A Note from Dudley to Aladdin

March 13, 2009

Hey, Aladdin! It’s me, Dudley!

So I hear you got picked up by the Beagle Rescue Genie. Hey, tough luck, guy. Happened to me, too. I used to run around in the woods, hunting with my pack, and when we got done hunting, we all went back and ate. Great food! Table scraps, and all kinds of good stuff. Of course, you had to fight past all your siblings and your sisters and your cousins and your aunts to get any, but still, once you got it, it was GOOD!

Then somehow I ended up in one of those big cold rooms with bars. And then someone said it was my last day, so I thought, “Oh good. Now I go back to hunting and hanging out with the pack and getting leftover table scraps with gravy and stuff.” But instead the Beagle Rescue Genie showed up and said, “We’ll take that one.” And I got a magical name, “Dudley.” And everything changed. 

So anyway, Aladdin, look for some big changes. Hey, all us Beagle Rescue dogs have been there. A few tips from an old hand can’t hurt.

First off, food: you can forget about the really good stuff. Table scraps on a regular basis are right out! (To which, by the way, I take exception.) Oh, you’ll maybe get a piece of chicken or carrot (with NO BUTTER!!!??!!) from time to time, but NO BARBECUE!!! And NO GRAVY!!! And NO INNARDS!!! Nope, Aladdin, your gourmet days are seriously over. 

On the plus side, the Beagle Rescue Genie is all about making sure everyone gets their fair share, so fighting all your sisters and your cousins and your aunts for your dinner is also seriously over. And once you get your own home, your human will make sure you get all your meals, delivered to you, personally! In your very own dish! On time! (Well, mostly.) And the food isn’t THAT bad—I get some pretty good kibble, and a nice canned salmon with rice stuffed in my Kong toy to work on after the kibble. And it’s MY Kong toy! And Riley can’t have it until I’m done with it!

 And another thing. The Beagle Rescue Genie is going to get you your own human! This means you will be in a house with very few, if any, other beagles or other dogs. Me, I used to be in a big pack with lots of other dogs and always getting bounced on by the puppies (to which, by the way, I take exception). But now, I’m the ONLY BEAGLE! I do have a brother, who’s half beagle, so I actually constitute 67.78 percent of all resident beagles in my house. (You learn stuff from your human. I learned percentages.)

Now, Aladdin, while you’re giving up the gourmet meals, there’s a plus side. A couple of plus sides, in fact. First, bye-bye yummy slop, helloooooo beds! As a Beagle Rescue dog, you are going to meet some of the best beds you never even dreamed existed! Seriously! Soft beds, beds with fleece, firm beds with cotton covers to keep you cool in the summer, cuddly beds to make you feel safe, beds with blankets in them that you can make a nest from, beds with pillows to dream on, and even one big ginormous bed, which is wonderful for napping, but you’ll probably have to share it with the humans at night. When Beagle Rescue finds you your own human, make sure you get lots of beds. I have two in each room except the kitchen and bathroom. And they’re all different, so I can decide what kind of sleeping I want to do. I like my firm mattress in the office for my early morning and late afternoon naps so I can dream about running, and Riley and I nap on the human bed in the late morning and early afternoon, so I can pile the pillows up and dream about being in a den about to go out and hunt wildebeest, which I don’t know what they are, but I bet they’re tasty, and for nighttime I like my bed with little walls and two flannel blankets so I can make a nest and dream about being curled up in my bed with little walls and two flannel blankets.

Oh, about that house thing I mentioned? Guess what, Aladdin! From now on you are a house dog. Down side: no more hanging out in the wonderful spring and fall air 24/7. Up side: no more hanging out in the freezing cold winter or the rain or the broiling hot summer, either. You are IN the house. And the weather in the house is always pretty much the same. Also, it never rains. Or at least if it does, the human brings in another human, called a “roofer” or a “plumber.” I think the “roofer” and the “plumber” are weather gods, because they make it stop raining.

Another down side to being in a house is that you never know what the weather outside is going to be. So you’re all set to go out, and … it’s RAINING!!! Or FREEZING COLD!!! Or BROILING HOT!!! And you are supposed to go out in it. (To which, by the way, I take exception.) Time to practice your Baleful Beagle Glare. You’ll have to go out anyway, but there’s no reason they shouldn’t know what you think about it.

 And WHY exactly do you have to go out? Well, that brings me to another down side: you know how we always used to just find a spot and pee? Well, guess what: NO PEEING IN THE HOUSE!!! (My human is very big on this rule, and yours might be, too, so be ready.) You have to schedule. The human takes you out, and you are supposed to pee then. Then the human gets all excited and goes, “Oh, good boy, Dudley! You did a piddle!” like you’re the smartest dog in the world. Which I am, but just piddling on the maple tree doesn’t exactly prove it, y’know? When that happens, the temptation to look sarcastically at the human is overwhelming, but try to be understanding. They’re simple-minded creatures, and when they do their business, they go into a little room with all kinds of equipment and bring in a small river to wash it away and make it a big production, so I guess they’re just really impressed that some of us have mastered the knack of just, y’know, doing a simple, uh, “info dump.” (Oh, and another tip I just thought of. When the humans go into the little room, don’t try to follow them in. They like privacy for some reason, and they shut the door. With you outside. To which, by the way, I take exception. However, it is OK to stand outside the door and yell encouragement.)

Also, Aladdin, one very important rule I may as well tell you upfront. This is a biggie. Not only NO PEEING IN THE HOUSE! But definitely, NO PEEING ON THE BRIEFCASE. And NO PEEING ON THE BRIEFCASE THE HUMAN BUYS AFTER THAT ONE! And NO PEEING ON THE NEXT BRIEFCASE THE HUMAN BUYS, EITHER! If it’s a briefcase, you can sniff it politely, but no matter what you think about where the human has been or who the human has been standing next to, NO PEEING ON THE BRIEFCASE!!! I have no idea why this is such a big deal, but apparently it is.

(However, if you must break that rule, and if you’re the kind of beagle who likes excitement, you should definitely try to do so right after breakfast on a weekday morning.)

OK, time to talk about crates. You’ll remember when we hunting beagles go into our crates, it’s to travel to where the hunting is. To a hunting beagle, a crate means “game on!” Well, if your new human uses a crate, you go in it, and then THE HUMAN LEAVES! WITHOUT YOU!!!! (To which, by the way, I take exception.) However, I have trained my human to give me special tasty treats for going into the crate nicely. It took a couple of years, but now the human is well trained. Which reminds me to tell you that patience is important in training your human.

Speaking of the humans leaving, whether you go in a crate or not, the human goes out without you. I have not yet managed to train my human not to do this. However, when they return, you should let them know firmly that this behavior will not be tolerated. Use House Beagle Song #4. You can learn it from the other beagles at Beagle Rescue. The lyrics go:  

You went out without your beagle!

This is hardly ever legal!

Don’t go out without your beagle!

I say again, louder!       

You went out WITHOUT YOUR BEAGLE!

I’m sure this is NEVER legal!

DON’T GO OUT WITHOUT YOUR BEAGLE!

I say again, LOUDER!

YOU WENT OUT!!!!! WITHOUT YOUR BEAGLE!!!!!           

THIS IS NEVER!!! EVER!!! LEGAL!!!!!

DON’T GO OUT WITHOUT YOUR BEAGLE!!!!!

YOU’RE NOT GETTING IT, SO I SAY AGAIN!!! LOUDER!!!!!!

This is a nice little song to sing to your human, and it lets everyone in the neighborhood know that your human has now come home. Also in the next neighborhood over. And the next one over after that. Of course, the humans claim that all they hear is “Broooo! BROOOOOO!! BROOOOOOO!!!!!” But I think they get the message.

Well, Aladdin, that’s about it. Good luck with your new life at Beagle Rescue, and I hope you get a really good human, maybe one who will read to you from an interesting book called the Arabian Nights. But don’t get too excited about it. You are not going to be allowed to go out and race across the desert chasing camels. Which, all in all, is maybe not such a bad thing. After all, with the right bed, you can still dream.

To read more from the pen of Dudley, check out Dudley's home page!